Still fail to heal the wounds
Thoughts of the times spent together
always leaves a silent tear
Our past -
Tried ripping it off
plucking it from my flesh
but it clings
clings to my every breath
Wish I could wipe
Wipe away the pain
Pain that crushes happiness
Happiness that once was mine
I stand firm now
Now, as I have no option
Masking my real self
Self that is completely devastated
Devastated, that no hope remains
I cry, cry out loud
Till I pine for you no more
But there still remains
You still remain,
Here in the depths of my heart!!!
12 comments:
Okay, I liked this one. But, I reckon you could polish this to be much better that what it is.
For example:
You could swap the positioning of the words "plucking" and "chopping" to make it more intense.
"Cause" isn't a right usage there. It is merely a vocal expression implying the short-form of because. In written work, it is just not right. So, you can use, "as". Or, simply use nothing.
Keep the structure plain throughout a stanza.
For instance: The third stanza is fantastic and I understand its consistent word play.
You've attempted the same style only in the last line of stanza 4. Err, not a nice idea. It disrupts the read. There is a way around it but that would take a long time to explain.
In the last stanza, you could further intensify the piece, by personalizing it.
For instance: Substitute the "there" with "here".
Overall, a nice piece. But, it has a scope for improvement. No offence meant.
Keep writing!!!
nice poem sheens...
brosreview has suggested a lotta options...
take it from the pro...
no suggestions abt dis one coz I knw wer dis comes from....I just hope dat I contributed in no way to all dat flooding back to u! :(
Dis one was beautiful to say da least....straight from the heart laced with pain of da most searing kind....felt da hurt radiate...nd I understood it...for obvious reasons!
Intense, true and strikingly raw! Luvd it!
*bows misty eyed* :)
Umm, I fear I have not complemented the sad feel of the song as much as I could in the last comment.
If you've read it right, you'll figure out that I like the depth of emotions.
However, try considering the changes I've suggested in my last comment. I sincerely reckon you could "intensify" this to a new level.
No offence meant. Besides, it is just my perspective, so far.
Let me put it this way; now, it hurts your audience. Make it hurt even more.
Good luck!
@ AJ,
All points taken into consideration.. have made the changes.. changed a few words here-there.. Yes I believe the effect is better now..
The 3rd stanza tried applying the loop format, I guess I succeeded there.
Would like to know what you think of it now?
@ Arun,
Thanks for dropping by.. yep have taken the suggestions from the pro.. :-D
@ Mav,
You contributed in no way to this, rest assured :)
M still misty eyed though... :(
@ Ms.R
You would have to help me know what this tag thing is all about, M a complete novice when it comes to this.. Also lemme know how do you tag!!
Hey Dear!! I've been through this situation myself & can relate to this poem.
To be honest, no matter how hard I try, I will never be able to come up with this intensity if I have to put it on paper.
Excellent!!! I Love it.
Keep Writing!!
As I wrote last time, it was already good and you can push it to the next level. And, I am glad you did.
It is fantastic now! And, I'm glad you did not disrupt the feel of it. That is important!
Nicely done!
Left speechless....
good intense post! :)
am not much into structure like brosreview, more into emotions so i just loved the post..
Post a Comment