Forgive Me...

I forgive myself often,

To have met someone
Liked that someone
Trusted that someone
Loved that someone unconditionally
Hear that someone – saying “I Love You”
To have believed that..
Having changed my world,
Coz that someone became “my World”
Craving,
For our conversations, for those moments, for HIM
For feeling “high” about our relationship
The promise that this would last….

Then,
Watch the person walk out of my life,
Letting him take my breath away
For the tears I have shed,
To see my world crumbling down
Being able to just watch and do nothing about it…

To have that someone,
Walk back into my life,
Having accepted him with arms wide open
To have believed,
Nothing’s changed..
That it will last forever!

And yet again, to have him
Take back his love
His love which meant so much to me,
To think that “WE” mattered..

For traversing into the future,
Trying to find his existence in my life
– a life of togetherness
For mulling over anything that could bring him back..
Letting myself to believe that it is possible..
For not conceding to the fact –
That he is no more in my life,
That he has “Moved On” – for the better

For having cried over that someone,
To whom I never really mattered,
Who could just forget me –
Like yet another passerby in his life,
Who implied I was a Fool,
Holding onto the past..
Unfortunately I looked through –
The rear view in my life

I now try to forgive myself –
For having become emotionless,
For not trusting anyone
For being cynical,
For that past which pushes its way through always,
No matter how far I try to run away from it..

I forgive myself for
For having sabotaged my own self!

Critic - O - Phobia

It has been long since I have written anything. Though I have penned down my thoughts, I am not sure how encouraging it is!

“Who Cares!” – some of us think.. But would you really accept that we do really care about a lot of shit that people around us lay in our platter. Yes, it is up to us which part of that platter do we want to eat and what we want to waste. But honestly, unless you are absolutely insulated from the world around you, you definitely get affected at least superficially .

There are these self appointed critics who you would encounter at some point of your life. I somehow get this feeling that they derive some sadistic pleasure in getting the better (or should I say worst of you). And I have been ‘gifted’ with one such brilliant critic who lurks around me like my shadow – you can’t get rid off!!

Anyways, you are so stumped with the offerings of your life and then at times flabbergasted with the events/ incidents you become a part of.. To top it all, Lo!! You have the “Master of Ceremonies” announcing every so-called “flaws” to whoever is willing to listen to. There is a list of myriad of flaws in the menu – Attitude disorder, Ability disorder, “half moon – full moon” symptoms, personality disorders. And surprisingly all the faults lie only in me – that’s what that person was trying to get at.

Now he drills into me that I am worthless – because of what I am. Now can someone tell me, how does one change oneself, that same self you have become comfortable with all these years in just a matter of 1 year or so? And that too CHANGE because someone else wants you to change, can’t accept you the way you are or maybe gets irritated because of the way you are. Imagine my plight having to put up with it all through.

I completely accept genuine flaws. But I am quite sure not everything about me can be so disastrous, right? Either till date I have been under the spell that I am accepted in my skin or else the world has been blind to my seemingly blaring flaws.

Know what, he has this mirror constantly held unto me, something I do not always like to peep into. In fact, it’s more a magnifying glass that is held unto me. He is a sweet talker. Trust me – you must learn the oratory skills from him. Demeaning the other person outright while not explicitly insulting you but implying more than what those words could actually say!

He is the leech that is sucking out the positive energy (whatever little is left), every ounce of confidence, every bit of self-esteem, leaving me completely hollow. I have started doubting my capability, my identity, wonder if all the efforts were worth it!

Like the sugarcane is crushed till the last drop is squeezed out, so are you put under the survival test. In the end one thing’s for sure, either you are dismissed as waste or you decide to dismiss yourself, maybe even from this very stage of LIFE!!

P.S: This person is not even remotely connected to me, yet I am myself zonked by his power of disturbing me so much.