Longing...!!

I don't know
Why I miss you so....

A longing that is too painful..
I dream of you too often
to believe your absence

Tears defeat me frequently,
I know you are nowhere in my life
Yet I await YOU...

The moments of togetherness
are still too fresh
and it hurts that I can only see them
through my mind's eye
And too hard to believe
that they are No longer, A Reality!!!

Girl, Is this You??

The beads of sweat,
which once were your crown
Girl, why do they now seem
Like a crown of thorn..

Tears that were once
a glistening stream of emotions,
Girl, why do they now seem
An unfathomable weakness...

The drops of rain,
which once rolled on your tongue,
Girl, why do they now taste
Bitter than Poison...

The moments of Silence
that you once basked in
Girl, why do they now seem
Miserably deafening..

The sliver of moonlight
peeping through the curtains
which once danced on you face
on the rhythm of your breath
Girl, why do they now cause
A painful remorse!

Your eyes which once
mirrored the rainbow
Girl, why do they now
Reflect scary dark clouds?

The pearls of solitude
which once bejeweled you
Girl, why do they now
seem to slice your spirit through?

The once passionate kiss
that lingered on your cheeks
Girl, why do they now
seem to be a scar on your face?

The elixir of love,
which once filled the glass of your soul
Girl, why does that glass
now seemed cracked
that elixir escaping you!!

The sensuous embrace
which you so craved for
Girl, why do you shrink away
As if it were a tightened noose?

The tantalizing breeze
which once carried the songs of life
Girl, why don't they now sound
like music to your ears?

The sand on the beach
which once laced your feet
Girl, why do they now seem to
Carry you into the depths of the past

Girl, is this you?
Where are you going to?

"The Ultimate Peace"

Hands that prayed for life once,
Now begs for the ultimate peace..

How easily did it pick that knife
That which oscillated between the hand & wrist
Tracing down the very lines of destiny
Like giving one last chance
Chance to breathe a little longer
And then dug deep into the veins..

Blood gushing out,
Streaming down those very hands,
Now blurring those lines of destiny
Flowing with it are
My deepest wounds,
The Pain, The Hurt
Agonies washed,
I feel the peace come on..

I see the whole world in a carousel
I am on a high,
I relive my life – in a matter of seconds
Those memories which were once coloured
Seem to fade away, some suddenly erased

I lose myself in its rhythm
A lullaby sung to me
I sink to those depths
Depths I din’t know existed – they soothe me..

Suddenly,
I suffocate
My breathing is laborious
Each breath heavier than the other
I am swathed in Darkness
I gasp, I struggle
I choke,
The insides of me churn
Emptiness seethes in
Voices around a mere echo,
My visions, they defeat me
I see the hand of death..
And I know – I have been granted the “ultimate peace”

The "Dead Side of the Moon"

As the day dies slowly
The sun lowered in its grave
The skies washed off, its hues
Instead, painted a velvety black, save
For a few Streaks of silver and blue

Drapes of darkness drawn
I breathe the stillness in
Held in the embrace of the moonlight
Purges me of thoughts malign

Hiding within is the real me,
That “Me” tries to break free,
That “Me” treads all the alleys within,
Sprinting, to escape the prison
Dodging the traps, resisting surrender

I submit myself to the silence outside
Sinking in the lap of this night
A riot of feelings within, without
Waves of emotions surging high
They tumble down my cheeks
I shiver, I shriek!

I look the sky in its eye (the moon)
That which is bestowed with praise
For the beauty that it beholds
Has found in many hearts, its place

Just like me,
That beauty is scarred
For it holds within
An elusive past,
Dark secrets,
Unfathomable blotch
Shady thoughts

I realize, I am the “Dead side of the moon”

She....

The dawn breaks
Scattering her face with its first streaks
The azure in her eyes
Dancing its way through
The curtains of her eyelashes
Slowing welcoming another day.

The cool breeze swooshing
Caress the contours of her face
Ruffling -
The raven hair like gushing waterfalls

The magnificent golden globe
Spreading its rays
Like the feathers of a peacock
find its way
in the azure of her eyes -
they hold the blue of the sky...

The nostrils waltzing
to a practiced rhythm
The diamond on her nose
Twinkling like dazzling stars

Her lips - a full bloom
Shaded with the colour of rose
Curved like that
of a shrinking moon

She is the woman -
A mirror to her loved ones
A treasure box -
to which no-one holds the key...

Forgive Me...

I forgive myself often,

To have met someone
Liked that someone
Trusted that someone
Loved that someone unconditionally
Hear that someone – saying “I Love You”
To have believed that..
Having changed my world,
Coz that someone became “my World”
Craving,
For our conversations, for those moments, for HIM
For feeling “high” about our relationship
The promise that this would last….

Then,
Watch the person walk out of my life,
Letting him take my breath away
For the tears I have shed,
To see my world crumbling down
Being able to just watch and do nothing about it…

To have that someone,
Walk back into my life,
Having accepted him with arms wide open
To have believed,
Nothing’s changed..
That it will last forever!

And yet again, to have him
Take back his love
His love which meant so much to me,
To think that “WE” mattered..

For traversing into the future,
Trying to find his existence in my life
– a life of togetherness
For mulling over anything that could bring him back..
Letting myself to believe that it is possible..
For not conceding to the fact –
That he is no more in my life,
That he has “Moved On” – for the better

For having cried over that someone,
To whom I never really mattered,
Who could just forget me –
Like yet another passerby in his life,
Who implied I was a Fool,
Holding onto the past..
Unfortunately I looked through –
The rear view in my life

I now try to forgive myself –
For having become emotionless,
For not trusting anyone
For being cynical,
For that past which pushes its way through always,
No matter how far I try to run away from it..

I forgive myself for
For having sabotaged my own self!

Critic - O - Phobia

It has been long since I have written anything. Though I have penned down my thoughts, I am not sure how encouraging it is!

“Who Cares!” – some of us think.. But would you really accept that we do really care about a lot of shit that people around us lay in our platter. Yes, it is up to us which part of that platter do we want to eat and what we want to waste. But honestly, unless you are absolutely insulated from the world around you, you definitely get affected at least superficially .

There are these self appointed critics who you would encounter at some point of your life. I somehow get this feeling that they derive some sadistic pleasure in getting the better (or should I say worst of you). And I have been ‘gifted’ with one such brilliant critic who lurks around me like my shadow – you can’t get rid off!!

Anyways, you are so stumped with the offerings of your life and then at times flabbergasted with the events/ incidents you become a part of.. To top it all, Lo!! You have the “Master of Ceremonies” announcing every so-called “flaws” to whoever is willing to listen to. There is a list of myriad of flaws in the menu – Attitude disorder, Ability disorder, “half moon – full moon” symptoms, personality disorders. And surprisingly all the faults lie only in me – that’s what that person was trying to get at.

Now he drills into me that I am worthless – because of what I am. Now can someone tell me, how does one change oneself, that same self you have become comfortable with all these years in just a matter of 1 year or so? And that too CHANGE because someone else wants you to change, can’t accept you the way you are or maybe gets irritated because of the way you are. Imagine my plight having to put up with it all through.

I completely accept genuine flaws. But I am quite sure not everything about me can be so disastrous, right? Either till date I have been under the spell that I am accepted in my skin or else the world has been blind to my seemingly blaring flaws.

Know what, he has this mirror constantly held unto me, something I do not always like to peep into. In fact, it’s more a magnifying glass that is held unto me. He is a sweet talker. Trust me – you must learn the oratory skills from him. Demeaning the other person outright while not explicitly insulting you but implying more than what those words could actually say!

He is the leech that is sucking out the positive energy (whatever little is left), every ounce of confidence, every bit of self-esteem, leaving me completely hollow. I have started doubting my capability, my identity, wonder if all the efforts were worth it!

Like the sugarcane is crushed till the last drop is squeezed out, so are you put under the survival test. In the end one thing’s for sure, either you are dismissed as waste or you decide to dismiss yourself, maybe even from this very stage of LIFE!!

P.S: This person is not even remotely connected to me, yet I am myself zonked by his power of disturbing me so much.