Random Post - I

The one person I am 'myself' with... is my Mother! She knows me inside out.. But did I miss to mention, she is one person I avoid confrontation, cause she is always right.. well maybe more often than not!! She has this incredible sixth sense especially when it comes to discerning my emotions. Honest, I don't have to utter a word and she knows that something's terribly wrong with me. She needs to only peek into my eyes and out comes the cat out of the bag!

She has recently acquired this "someone-save-my-heart-broken-daughter" syndrome - reason she has seen my tears "raining" not once, twice but every time and all because of the same person. I bet she would have been more accommodating if my heart breaks were associated with different persons, given the current situation... Hell no, I am not sulking over my past.... aaagh why waste time over a worthless past (I know half my folks would be exhilarated after reading this particular sentence. Consequences of my heart break - a distraught family).

Coming back to the point, some of my psychology basics got reinforced today - "Classical Conditioning". There have been times, when anything even remotely connected to "him" would get me into one of the "self - inflicted Ms. Devdaasi" modes. And usually in such circumstances I used to go on a "hunger-strike" (not intentionally though, but my stomach would just exhibit a 'no-entry' board). This association was observed by a "worried" Mom. I never realised this till today, when I kinda went on a similar "low-diet" spree and this question pops up - "did you happen to speak to anyone today?"... Phew, Mom can't I just not feel hungry and cut my portion size?

Reflecting on my "not-so-evenful" past, I realize I invested my love, time, efforts even myself into something (for someone) which never had a lock-in period, no profits, no dividends, worse I was penalized for those very investments. Now, I am left BANKRUPT...

Anyone interested in financing me? ;-)

Demon Within!

Soul lies severed in pieces
feasted upon by envy and disgust
Canines of wrath dig in deep
venom injected
mind paralyzed
sucking out modicums of fortitude
Claws of despair rip apart body and flesh
Blood adulterated sinning
Mortal self stung by viciousness
Ghoulish remnants precipitate....

A Demon within summoned ...
.... hidden always in the shadows of consciousness...

A new beginning!!

Liquefy
that which is metamorphosed
Cast away
that which was worthless
Silence
that eternal turbulence
Drown
that naked reality
Crumble
that frozen illusion
Strip off
memories of those fragile bygones
Now.....
Awaken
that which lies in slumber
Usher
the fragrance of wet earth
Sing
to the solitude of tranquil
Raise a toast
to the new beginning.......
Celebrate
.................... a victory called Life!!

An evening at the beach!!!

Standing at the zenith
I take the splendid landscape in
The sky a velvet fairy
Shimmering in hues pastel
Sun gliding behind the clouds
Slowly turning hazel
Incessant hum of waters splashing
Breeze through the greens swooshing
Downing the salty scents in..

Thoughts -
sneak surreptitiously
crawling like nocturnals
crippling happiness...
Like the tiny sparkling stars
distant yet so impacting

Waves crashing
on the rocky shores
I feel the tremors within
The hollow inside overwhelming
the vastness filling in
I wish the evil to drown
but they stay forever floating...

Wrenching within are thoughts wild
Shapeless and eluding
Dazed I stare at the sea,
Overcome by its mysterious power -
Peaceful yet threatening
Comforting yet so gullible
Deep there silent and secretive!!!!

A Rising... !!!

A hysterical laughter reverberates
Contained emotions gush out
breaking the barriers of future, present & past

I paint my life
with different strokes
blotching moments divine
emphasizing the dark,
ignoring the sublime

Crushed.. I blow away the dried rose
dead somewhere in the books of my past
Turning pages
find nothing
but stains smeared vast

Melting like a candle
awaiting the pain to pass
The flame flickering incandescent
absolutely "true to life"
I forget to realize my worth

Shards of broken heart, I collect
unable to shape them now
But awash of guilt and guile
Radiating a strength anew

Sands of my life now numbered
Freedom is what I seek
Let loose hell or wrath
Forgiveness to my accord
No more am I meek!!!

A smile is all it takes!!

I peer through this sombre night
nothing more than emptiness in sight

A peaceful silence outside
but droning noise inside

Thoughts melancholy in the mind ruffle
Discomfort and suffocation now shuffle

Tranquil put at bay
Mental frame in a disarray

Anger ruthlessly at me, claws
Jealousy clutches me by its paws

Pain raises its ugly hood
Sorrow spewing poison as it could

In this colossal trauma, I wince
Take it, take this away before I collapse

Devastation at its height
It rules me with all its might

Yet I struggle
And put up a fake smile
To deceive the world all the while

For a smile is all it takes......!!!

Love....... nothing more than a Joke!!!

A smile robbed somewhere
Tears ornament someone
Dreams crash somewhere
Loneliness marries someone
A heart breaks somewhere
Hurt triumphs someone
Trust broken somewhere
Love fails someone
Pain creeps in somewhere
Insecurity engulfs someone
Faith lost somewhere
Life defeats someone!!

And all you gotta say is
"I am sorry!!

Wish a Sorry could comfort someone........

In the arms of apocalypse!!!

I awaken to a new found darkness
Darkness that shrouds me
Me that is completely lost
Lost in a swarm of emotions

Emotions that go astray now
Now, they break barriers of sanity
Sanity which seems distant
Distant, more like an illusion

Illusion was, "my life"
Life that is sinking slowly
slowly in the arms of apocalypse.....

It Hurts, still hurts......

Years of distance
Still fail to heal the wounds
Thoughts of the times spent together
always leaves a silent tear

Our past -
Tried ripping it off
plucking it from my flesh
but it clings
clings to my every breath

Wish I could wipe
Wipe away the pain
Pain that crushes happiness
Happiness that once was mine

I stand firm now
Now, as I have no option
Masking my real self
Self that is completely devastated
Devastated, that no hope remains

I cry, cry out loud
Till I pine for you no more
But there still remains
You still remain,
Here in the depths of my heart!!!

Brutal Love....

Shione had been dating Josh for quite sometime now, enough for her to be madly in love with him. They had always spent time outside amongst the hustle and bustle of the city. Both had dreamt of having a quiet corner all to themselves where they could share their special moments..

Today the day had come, she had invited him over for dinner. She had spent the entire day cooking a sumptuous meal for the two of them, doing up her house, the table, setting the crockery and cutlery to match the occasion, as perfect as she could get... Finally with an hour left before his arrival, she made sure that she looked her best. Donning the white dress, Josh had gifted her, she touched up her face, her face glowing with happiness..

The door bell rang. She rushed to her dressing table, took one last look at herself and when she was content ran to answer the door. Holding her breath, she opened the door. Josh was standing right there with a bouquet of red roses wearing a smile on the face. But there was something odd about his demeanour today, something which made her uncomfortable. Shirking her baseless thoughts, she took him by his arm and led him into the sitting room. She smelt alcohol in his breath and realized his walk wasn't steady, and so were her thoughts now..

She looked at him and asked, "Are you alright?" A devilsh smile escaped him while his eyes scanned her from head to toe crossing the lines of decency. She froze. She parted her lips to ask again and a thunderous blow came smashing on her rouge cheeks. She got thrown, her head landing heavily on the corner table. She flinched from the pain, felt warm, viscous liquid trickling down her forehead and her lips swollen. She felt her world quake, fear engulfing her..

Lighting a cigarette, he looked down at her and said, "My friend commented that you are the most beautiful woman and that he could have done anything to have you in his life. I wonder how many men have ogled over you? Only I own you. You shall pay the price to have made a place in the fantasies of other men." He exhaled a waft of smoke, allowing it to hang in the air. Alarm ran through her, her mind went berserk.

He pulled her up by her hair, she tried to scream, but the look in his eyes silenced her. He moved her face closer to his, inhaled another puff and smothered it on her face. His ghoulishness a darker tinge now. She tried to move, extricate herself from this monster, but all she could manage was catching the thin air. Before she knew, the cigarette butt had mapped her face charring her once supple skin. Muffled screams escaped through the searing pain. She found it difficult to breathe. The pain, the shock numbed her senses, taking away her strength to resist the madness, to fight. She kept staring at him, hundreds of questions queuing her mind, now reflecting in her eyes, hoping that he would just let her be.

He shuffled through the neatly set table and returned with a fork and before she knew what was happening, the prongs of the fork dug into the flesh of her arms, blood flooding her once white dress. She screamed loudly unable to bear the ruthlessness, she heard herself pleading to him, begging him to show her some mercy. He liked this part, the part of dominance, woman insubordination, he got a high now that he had enslaved her. She slumped back.. He finally left...

The blades of the ceiling fan slashing through this morbid silence, the room disheveled, all bespoke the violence..

Lying down in the corner of the room, floating in the pool of blood; she felt her confidence broken into a thousand pieces, self respect devastated, completely stripped of any emotion, ashamed of her inability to stand for herself..... The girl in her dead forever.. She gazed at this new found emptiness...

For Fear had a face now, fear that remain caged in her mind.... All because of "Love".

P.S: This is pure fiction. A first try at writing a story.. Cross posted from TWL.

Rains are here!!!

Pre - Script: I should have posted this yesterday, but my internet betrayed me...

All harried to take the Dadar local, I rush down the stairs, take the elevator, reach the lobby and guess what.. It is drizzling...

The smell of wet earth sinfully intoxicating, it fills my senses; putting Calvin Klien perfumes to shame.

I feel the raindrops embracing me in its arms. A drop of rain kisses my forehead tracing its way down my eyelashes. I blink and cage the drop in my eye. The next drop perches itself on the bridge of my nose, slides down does a somersault at the curve of my nose now hanging precariously. It dives further and melts on my lips and I taste purity. My face slowly resembles a condensed vessel.

I walk further down to the bus stop, the roads all glazed from the first showers. Skidding a little here, slipping a little there, I plod along. Cappuccino coloured puddles dotting the roads.

I reach the bus stop, waiting for my bus. The drizzle percolating through the street lights ornament the busy roads, lending a sepia tinge to the otherwise dull picture. A lone umbrella somewhere marking the beginning of thunderous season, the harsh heat temporarily put to rest. Some shading themselves with their hands, some with handkerchiefs and some with dupattas while others like me inhaling the freshly brewed air.

Once in the bus, still looking outside not content by the sight of the newly painted landscape outside, I peek through the windshield, now completely frosted by the dazzling drops of rain. A mini rainbow reflecting from the lights shone on them. The trees partially bathed now stand there in brown & green.

I alight from the bus, my sensations tingling rekindled by the fresh raindrops pouring on me. I stare at the sky above, these mild drizzles like icing sugar being dredged on this baked cake called “Earth”.

P.S: Today there is no sign of rain :-(

A new start..

The kaleidoscopic sky slowly fades
The nature's hand splodging black ink
Over the tinted canvass

The disc of cool carved ice
surrounded by sparkling white diamonds
slowly melts its light
washing away the aggressions

The picturesque beauty
suddenly torn
the lightning striking ruefully
Clouds roar in
Clapping thunders on its way,
The world shivers...

The raven heart above (sky)
unable to hold its pain anymore
Inundate the world
with its mighty tears
Crumble down
Like an avalanche..

The trees, the flowers
the birds - all admirers
help ease away the pain

For,
The trees in their green attire
the flowers in a myriad colour
the birds offering their wishful prayer
Join in to take the sorrow away

Relieved from the pain
Tears wiped
A new dawn is awakened
Donning a pristine white gown
carrying renewed hope in the heart
Like a bride
Awaiting a new start!!

Surreal World..

Stealthily you tiptoe in my heart
Without a warning, without a thought
Emotions, surreal did exist
Slowly found them difficult to resist

Emotions awakened by you.....

You colour my world,
a different hue
The landscape of my life,
depicting only you

Your love as mesmerizing
As a bride behind the veil
Pure and rare
as a blue sapphire
As pristine
as the snow clad mountains..

I readily drown
in the depth of your eyes
where love in abundance lies

A flame flickers somewhere
Engulfed we remain
In the arms of the moment..
Words vapourize
Our breathing heavy, in a daze
the forbidden love tingles our spine
like tulip glass laced with a drop of wine..

I steal a mysterious smile
Allow myself to float, for a while
A glint escaping
like a diamond, sparkling..

The gentle breeze
blowing softly through the leaves
carry these treasured memoirs...
with eternal ease..

And I awake from my reverie!!!

Dying love!!

I grope through those empty benches
Trying to find your existence
Now, it stands there
Dust laden
Smudging those moments spent together

Lying on the ground
I crave for your warmth
But what surrounds
is morbid loneliness
Speaking of your extinction
from my life.

Standing high
on the precipice of defeat
I try to hear your heartbeat
Listen to them speak
but the howling winds of the yonder past
Muffle the words, keep them stolen

Closing my eyes
I attempt to conjure your image
working every detail
But I'm blinded now
Struck with your sudden disappearance
What remains
is only a vague silhouette..

Bathing in the cool air,
I try to breathe your fragrance
That which once filled me with longing
But what I breathe now
Is the stench of those decayed desires

Looking up
I try to feel your lips on mine
Wanting to burn with passion
But now I'm here
Holding the ashes
Of that overwhelming emotion

Am here now
Standing beside the grave
Singing a requiem
to our love that was..
For with that love, a part of me is taken
What remains of me
Is a body without soul............

We... that once was!!

You said, "Let's be friends"
I obliged..

You said, " Let's walk together"
I matched my steps with yours

You said, "Would you be mine?"
I blindly took the plunge

You said, " I Love You"
I felt my heart blossom

You said, " Come into my arms"
I bathe in passion

Then............

You said, " Good bye"

I stood there....
I am still there....
Waiting for you!!!

Dear Friend,

You are my voice
when words betray me

You are my vision
when pessimism clouds me

You are my crutch
when I stumble

You are my strength
when failure befriends me

You are my guide
when I lose my way

You are the saviour
when I am in trouble

You are the ray of hope
when life fails me..

You are My Friend
For I am incomplete without you!!

Thanks for being there... Always

P.S: Friends are my wealth, I have earned them..

Our conversations!!!

Our Conversations -

Seem like a fabricated script,
Words which fill our heart
Stay within, untouched,

Sighs dodge our hollow laughter
Silence makes the going tougher,

Emotions surfing high
Our true selves we deny,

An invisible wall, between us stands
Umm..s and Aaah..s surrounds,

We pretend
Hide feelings, a hundred
Now masters at deception
Our love defeated,
It lies somewhere... buried!

Rejection..

"Girl, I cannot accept you"

'Why?'

"My priorities have changed. I cannot go against my family"

'Did you really love me?'

"Yes, ... I still love you and care for you.. "

'Care for me, thanks..'

"Girl, move on"

A tear rolls down...

He walks out... The door shut on me...

I have a new companion - Loneliness.... !!!

Hope!!

I cling onto the rope of hope,
Hope that you once gave me,
that which now snaps -

with every broken promise,
with every shattered dream,
with that unbroken silence

Our relationship threadbare..
what remains... is a strand -
that which binds the remnants of our past

This snaps.. the love in me will breathe its last!!

Love it is!!!!

You walk away....
Walk away with another girl!

Giggles of your laughter resounding,
Love so overwhelming,
I watch,
My heart pounding..
Happiness.. Din't I deserve?

Pangs of jealousy, corrupt me
Self - pity gets the better of me
Then..
I realize
It was never meant to be...........
I whisper
A silent prayer
"The couple be blessed forever"